She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I want to be your penis for a week.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
