Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
