Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
