I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
