Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize