i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
