I cut my penus on the lid.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
