the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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