That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
