When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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