Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
