no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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