I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
