i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
