i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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