I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
