Did I show you my penis last night?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
