Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize