all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize