The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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