Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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