Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize