my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
