I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize