Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
