I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm passing your future prison.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
As shirtless as possible
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
