I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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