I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
