Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
