She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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