Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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