There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
