cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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