Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
