He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
