Me too!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize