and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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