remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
