shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
