dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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