I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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