If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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