My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
