someone threw a dead crab at me
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
