I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
