yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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