i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You have to summon your inner elephant
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
