there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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