Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
