as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize