Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
