Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
