I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
