I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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