We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
